Drunken Husband & Wife

One fine night Peter and Emma were on their way home from the bar and got pulled over by the cops.

Police: Sir, you have been stopped because your tail-light was busted.

Peter: I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”

Just then Emma said, “I told you to get that fixed two days ago. You never listened.”

Police: Sir, Can I have a look at your license?

Peter: There you go officer, here it is.

Police: Sir, your license has expired.

Peter: I’m sorry again. I didn’t realize that it had expired. I will renew it first thing in the morning.

Then Emma said, “I told you a week ago that you got a letter telling that your license expired. You never listened.”

Now Peter is in rage with his wife and yelled at her in a loud voice, “Emma, shut your mouth, you #$%^#!”

The Police officer then moved towards Emma and asked. “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you like that?”

Emma: Only when he’s drunk.

Did you perform the Autopsy?

Lawyer : Doctor, did you check for a pulse before you did the autopsy?
Doctor : No.
Lawyer : Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor : No.
Lawyer : At least for breathing?
Doctor : No.
Lawyer : So, there is a possibility that the patient might have been alive when you started the autopsy?
Doctor : No.
Lawyer : How could you be so sure, Doc?
Doctor : Because his brain was placed on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer : But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor : Oh yeah. It’s possible that he could have been alive & practicing law somewhere.

No honey, don’t do it.

A girl infers that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So she goes out and buys a Gun.
She goes to the guy’s apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, to her surprise she finds him in the arms of another girl.
Now she’s really angry.
She opens her purse, takes out the gun, & as she does it, she is overcome with grief and puts the gun to her head.

The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’

She replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

You look like my wife…

A drunkard went into a bar & starred at a woman continuously. She’s the only woman seated at the bar. He walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up & furiously slapped him. He right away apologized and explained, “I’m terribly sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look just like her.”

“Why you useless, intolerable, miserable, piece of sh*t!” she screamed.

“That’s Funny,” he muttered,” you even sound exactly like her.”

Dog War.

A Doberman, a German shepherd & a Bulldog are in a bar. These guys are having their drinks and a great looking female Collie shows up in the bar. She comes near these guys & says, “Whoever says liver & cheese in a sentence can have me.”

The German Shepherd says, “I just love liver with cheese.” The Collie says, “That’s not good though.”

The Bulldog says, “I hate liver with cheese.” She says, “Get lost.”

Finally, the Doberman says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

Courtroom Joke…

Lawyer: “What’s the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up?”

Witness: “He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’”

Lawyer: “And why did that upset you?”

Witness: “My name is Susan.”

Be True to Your Wife…

A married man and his secretary had an affair. One day they both made love all afternoon. Exhausted, both fell asleep & woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed up & asked his lover to rub his shoes outside in the grass and dirt. She did so. He put on his shoes & drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife questioned.

‘I can’t lie to you; I’m having an affair with my secretary’ he replied.

‘We made love all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes & said: ‘You lying bastard!’

You’ve been playing golf!’ Isn’t it.

Courtroom Quotations…

Lawyer: “Dr, did you check for a pulse before you did the autopsy?”

Witness: “Nope.”

Lawyer: “Blood pressure?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “So, there is a chance that the patient was alive when you did the autopsy?”

Witness: “No chance at all.”

Lawyer: “How are you so sure, Doctor?”

Witness: “Because his brain was on my desk in a jar.”

Lawyer: “But still there’s a chance that he was alive?”

Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

Are you a Gay.?!

A guy finds himself in hell after dead. On his way, he meets up a demon…

Demon: Why so sad pal?
Guy:  Dude, I’m in hell.
Demon:  Hell’s not that bad.  You will have a lot of fun down here. Do ya drink?
Guy:  Of course, I love drinks.
Demon:  Then you’ll definitely love Mondays pal. On Mondays, all we do is drink. All sorts of drinks, party…etc.

Guy:  Hey, that sounds great.
Demon:  Do ya Smoke?
Guy: Believe it!  I can’t live without smoking.
Demon:  Alright!  Then you’re gonna enjoy the Tuesdays. We give you the finest cigars & marijuana to smoke your lungs out. And who the hell cares if you get cancer – no big deal – you’re already dead, right?
Guy:  Wow, that’s cool!

Demon:  Do ya Gamble?
Guy:  As a matter of fact I do.
Demon:  Wednesday is the day you can gamble all you want. Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, whatever you want.  And who cares if you’re bankrupt, you’re already Dead.

Demon:   I bet you’re into drugs.
Guy:  I bet you’re kidding?  Who doesn’t love drugs! I’d do anything for drugs…
Demon:  That’s interesting!  Thursday is what we call the Drug Day. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose.

Guy: I’m Dead already.

Demon: That’s right – you’re dead & who cares!

Guy:  I never thought Hell was such a great place!! You guys rock man. Well, what’s on Friday?

Demon: You gay?
Guy:  Uhhh  no.
Demon:  Ooooh  (grimaces) you’re really gonna hate Fridays pal.

Have You Ever Heard it…???

A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid machine, ’This is the most expensive one I’ve ever had. Very much advanced and it cost me $3,500.’

His friend asks, ’What kind is it?’

The man says, ‘Half past four.’